I joined HMS Fisgard January 1983, I had signed up to be an Artificer Apprentice, an apprenticeship to become a Chief Petty Officer and eventually an Officer.
My dream, to be a submariner, that’s all I wanted to do as a child. I joined straight from school, it is fair to say completely innocent and a virgin in life literally. I had joined this mans world. But I had a secret which at the time wasn’t an issue but would haunt me the rest of my life forever.
HMS Fisgard was a Naval Academy, I did 11 months before recategorizing to a Marine Engineering Mechanic. I struggled with the fast track academia. I joined HMS Sultan where I did my Mechanics training and then on to HMS Dolphin to do my Submarine training and back to HMS Sultan to do the nuclear training. I was drafted to HMS Splendid in 1985, a nuclear Hunter Killer Swiftsure Class submarine designed to hunt other submarines.Things started to go wrong. To work on submarines you were strictly security vetted. You’d go in for questioning and they would dig in to everything about you. I had a secret, I was non binary. I’d known my name from early childhood should have been Andrea. I thought that was childish, something that would pass, I’d grow out of it, the Navy would make a man of me. I was petrified,
I could go to prison! In my dream job, my parents so proud of me, I was so proud and this secret was eating me alive. After a year of lies and looking over my shoulder, seeing the only option was to end my life I asked for help and admitted I was confused about my sexuality.
I was immediately isolated and told not to talk to anyone, more questioning.
I was sent for psychiatric assessment, 7 weeks, I was outed to my parents and subject to more invasive questioning and deemed “Temperamentally Unsuitable”. To be discharged. Then subjected to more humiliation, having to request punishment and discharged. Although I wasn’t “Discharged Dishonourably” the way I was made to feel and treated as a disgrace to everyone had a lasting impact.
My parents were initially supportive but asked me to leave as an “embarrassment”. I couldn’t find work, I was going through a breakdown, I couldn’t get a reference for work and it was all my fault. I was the disgrace.
Thankfully with the help of some friends who supported and literally saved my life. I moved away from home and in the 30+ years have built a career for myself and survived. The scars are still there both from the Navy and the civilian counselling I had in the 80s and 90s. I have never had a relationship and am only learning to trust and be close to people again. I still miss that feeling of pride and being in Submarines, everyday!
